Never Not Broken

teacup-smash-never-not-brokSorry to write so many “woe is me” posts in a row. But it’s just what’s coming out right now. I’m so angry at the moment. Nothing makes me feel better. Just a lot of pent up frustration. I feel like every choice is the wrong one. Even the iridescence toe nail polish I chose seems to have been a mistake. I wake up every morning around 4 AM with ridiculous amounts of unwarranted anxiety. What am I dreaming about that is causing me so much fear I wake up in cold sweats?

Is it because Father’s Day is right around the corner? Yet, again? Another Father’s Day looms large, and we are STILL not parents. Not on the way to being parents. Not even a positive OPK (ovulation predictor kit) to show the folks back home. Is it the fear that the trying is going to be our permanent state for the rest of our lives?

Last night I straightened up my dance studio and in the process I broke a tea cup candle. It was a gift from a friend when she attended one of my Pie-n-Tea Parties. I left it shattered in the basement where it had fallen until my troupe mates left after practice. I went downstairs to pick up the pieces. Strangely, the candle that had been inside the beautiful tea cup was not harmed. But the porcelain shards were strewn on the stairs and the concrete floor.

I want to pull an analogy from that. A metaphor. Just a story to comfort myself with. So I will.  I’ll tell myself that the outer shell, smoothed thin, delicate and beautiful by the hands of its creator, was tough enough to protect the soft pink candle inside even as it hit the hard basement floor after free fall. Yes, it was irrevocably changed. It is no longer the whole, shining bauble it once was. But in a way that is beautiful too.

A while ago, my great friend The Smilin’ Yogini, posted this article on her Facebook page. In the article, Julie (JC) Peters discusses a lesser known Hindu goddess:  Akhilandeshvari. Her name essentially means, “Never Not Broken.” As in always broken. And yet, she is strong. Even though she is not whole, by living in a state of flux she is actually stronger than she ever could be in one static state.

And by living this way, Akhilandeshvari, is able to pull apart routines. How can you plan your future when you are not even corporeal in the here and now? So she doesn’t think about the future. Living only in the moment, she is more aware, more sound, more knowledgeable and all around stronger than someone who already knows what is written in her future.

Akhilandeshvari does not push her fear away. She owns it. I should own mine too. My thin exterior may be shattered, but what is good of me, the parts of myself that are worth keeping are still here. I have fallen. But I am still alive.

Today is cycle day 10. I go in this morning for my next round of probings. I know they will see nothing and tell me to come back in two days. And I will go back. That much of my future I can see. Maybe this will be the round we get our sticky egg. Maybe we will end up exactly where we already are. I cannot see that far ahead.

But I can breathe. And sometimes, that just has to be enough, when all you can do is lay shattered on the floor, the shards of your former self surrounding you. You are stronger than you know. You always have been. It’s time to realize it.

Where are we? What the hell is going on?
The dust has only just begun to fall,
Crop circles in the carpet, sinking, feeling.
Spin me ’round again and rub my eyes.
This can’t be happening.

3 thoughts on “Never Not Broken

  1. I FEEL your pain and I personally live in denial. I’m not really 32, I haven’t really been married almost 13 years with no kids, I don’t really hate every mother out there except my own.

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