If you’re not cool with reading about menstruation, skip this post. Seriously, just turn away.
I did warn you.
Soooooo, TMI time. I think my period is coming back. Almost seven months postpartum. But I’m on the mini pill, which is taken continuously for four weeks. Which means there’s no “off” week. So I SUSPECT that my cycle is returning, but other than some light spotting and moodiness I’m not entirely sure.
What does really tip me off is that my milk supply has plummeted. I mean just down to nothing. Sometimes I pump, and it’s like the early days when I would only get a milk “mist” inside the collection bottle. I pumped three times on Sunday and only managed a little over one ounce of milk. I’m pumping right now and the right boob is making mist while the left boob is making nothing at all.
Couple all of this with Gibson apparently being less interested in nursing in general, and I’m just completely frustrated, Heartbroken is another good term for it. Woebegone. Miserable.
All of my planning for this baby. And then committing to breastfeed for an entire year. Then dealing with low supply that has never corrected itself and having to supplement. And now this. This bullshit. Seven months and my body pretends that it never lactated or ever knew how to lactate.
It’s not fair. I feel like my body has fought me every step of the way. First by not letting me get pregnant. Than by keeping my hormones low in the first trimester so I had to do suppositories for months. And of course, being pregnant was just a picnic too. The final weeks full of panic because of hypertension. Thankfully, I was at least able to deliver Gibs vaginally. Then the pain of learning to nurse my baby. And now THIS SHIT!
Why body, why? Why can’t we be on the same team? Do you want more carrots? More exercise? More water? More herbs? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT THAT WILL MAKE YOU DO WHAT YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO DO NATURALLY!?
Can you bargain with you body? I suppose not.
I’ve had a friend offer to give me her surplus milk. I should take her up on it. But it bugs me so much that I need her milk at all. 😦 It should be me! I should be able to do this, dammit. I should be able to give my baby everything he needs.
But I can’t. And I have to learn to accept that.
I’m going to call the lactation consultants at the hospital where we delivered Gibs. I’ll try to find my local chapter of La Leche League again (I didn’t get a reply to my email last time I went looking for them.) I’m going to try some fancy new herbs. Going to talk to the pediatrician on Friday. Might even call the OBGYN. But ultimately, I might be running out of options. I might not have a choice to but give Gibs formula exclusively.
Some is better than none. But what happens when none is the only option? I guess you cry. At least that’s what I’m doing. 😦