Someday I will write up my birth story- warts and all. But right now, I’m in survival mode. My husband and I are so deep in transition that we are barely keeping our newly knighted parent heads above water.
Sleep deprivation is a real thing. They all told me. Everyone tried to explain. But I didn’t understand- couldn’t understand- until now.
I’ve never been this tired before. And it can lead you to dark places. My mind wanders to harsh self-doubt now that my nights have become so long.
I think that I’ve made a huge mistake. I created a new person that I am incapable of caring for. He will grow up into a lost, young man failed by his incompetent mother.
And then I had enough sleep to experience a full REM sleep cycle. I know because I had a dream with a beginning, middle and end. And when I woke up, I thought about my dark thoughts from earlier in the still long night. How silly of me to feel that way!
So while Gibson continued to sleep for a few more minutes, I jotted out a quick note to myself. I wanted to share this half-crazed and utterly true reminder I wrote for myself deep in the first days of motherhood with you now:
I can do this. Being a mother is something I’ve always wanted. Gibson is healthy and strong enough to handle any mistakes I make along the way. One misstep is not failure.
Tomorrow is a new day, the next hour is a new hour. Nipples and stitches will heal.
And make sure to tell Willie how much he means to this journey. He’s just as tired and full of doubt as you are.
Don’t regret the time you spend under the waves. Just be grateful when you break the surface and let the fresh, cool air fill your lungs.
It will get easier. You can do this. All things through love.
Mother of Three Days