The Nights Are Longer

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Someday I will write up my birth story- warts and all. But right now, I’m in survival mode. My husband and I are so deep in transition that we are barely keeping our newly knighted parent heads above water.

Sleep deprivation is a real thing. They all told me. Everyone tried to explain. But I didn’t understand- couldn’t understand- until now.

I’ve never been this tired before. And it can lead you to dark places. My mind wanders to harsh self-doubt now that my nights have become so long.

I think that I’ve made a huge mistake. I created a new person that I am incapable of caring for. He will grow up into a lost, young man failed by his incompetent mother.

And then I had enough sleep to experience a full REM sleep cycle. I know because I had a dream with a beginning, middle and end. And when I woke up, I thought about my dark thoughts from earlier in the still long night. How silly of me to feel that way!

So while Gibson continued to sleep for a few more minutes, I jotted out a quick note to myself. I wanted to share this half-crazed and utterly true reminder I wrote for myself deep in the first days of motherhood with you now:

I can do this. Being a mother is something I’ve always wanted. Gibson is healthy and strong enough to handle any mistakes I make along the way. One misstep is not failure.

Tomorrow is a new day, the next hour is a new hour. Nipples and stitches will heal.

And make sure to tell Willie how much he means to this journey. He’s just as tired and full of doubt as you are.

Don’t regret the time you spend under the waves. Just be grateful when you break the surface and let the fresh, cool air fill your lungs.

It will get easier. You can do this. All things through love.

Sincerely,
Kristin
Mother of Three Days

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13 thoughts on “The Nights Are Longer

  1. Omg the first month for me was HELL and I had SO MUCH family support. I cried EVERY DAY all freaking day. NO JOKE. I could not see past the wall that was having a newborn. It DOES get better. Everyone kept saying that but I was stuck in the darkness, thinking there is no possible way my child will ever be 10 years old. She will be a hungry sleep depriving newborn forever that I don’t understand. The first few months, well, even the first 9 months in my experience are not easy, but they do get a lot more enjoyable. It’s okay to have those dark thoughts. I too thought “WHAT HAVE I DONE. OMG WHAT HAVE I DONE”
    and there is just no humanely way to understand it until you go through it yourself! Hang in there! We are here for you!
    Send me your e-mail if you want to join our midnight mommas support group on facebook! Lots of love and support there for new moms!!

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