I had the “privilege” of watching your August 26, 2013 episode while having the oil changed in my car earlier this week. You have apparently compiled a universal shopping list for us common folks to take with us to the drug store, health food store, etc. And between stretching out this supposed list of must-have-to-be-healthy items for an entire hour, you drag women from your audience to taste test kale chips and pomegranate juice.

Things I heard you say:

“Does it make you angry that your sister is skinny?”

“Butt fat is the first fat you accumulate and the hardest to get rid of.”

“As you know I don’t endorse any brand names, but this is the _______ brand of (butter substitute, kale chips, chia chips, etc.)”

Your entirely too smooth face and perfectly capped teeth can bite me.

The woman who wanted to get a little more in shape, like her sister is: there was no need to bring up what I’m sure has always been a grating topic in her relationship with her sibling. If she’s willing to come on your show and disparage herself in front of you, was there any need to really bring that up?

“Oh you’ve always been a butter bean while your sister was slender? Let’s bring that up in front of the entire audience as well as the nation.”

The woman with “too much butt fat;” she said her husband called her butt, magic. And it damn well is magic. Instead of ignoring that, you should have embraced it and worked it into your response. But you decided to just tell her that her road to a smaller ass was going to be a hard one even after following your proven path toward a less magical ass.

And you are not fooling anybody, Dr. Oz. If Earth Balance apple cinnamon not-actually-butter-but-sorta-tastes-like-butter spread is getting air time on your show, you are getting a kick back. I don’t care how many times you affirm that you don’t normally promote brands, you’re not going to convince me.

While we’re talking about the brands you “aren’t” promoting, how about the taste testing part. You drag these women, who I’m sure were very excited at the opportunity to be on TV and in your presence, on stage to eat these pre-packaged health foods. Thankfully I only saw one before my car was ready.

The frozen and microwaved sweet potato pancakes looked fine on camera. The woman trying to do the taste test was not ready for you to ask her a question two seconds after she’d bitten into it. But you pressured her to respond even as she tried to choke the bite down.

“It’s good,” she said.

You wanted more from her than that. By not saying anything after her comment, you bullied her into elaborating. She came up with a bunch of platitudes for the pancakes as your eyes bored into her skull. After all, you’re Dr. Oz. She wouldn’t want to disappoint you.

I’ve never been a fan of yours. And I don’t think I ever will be. You’re just here to make money. And you can eat me. Put that on your list.