Hell if I know.

Last night I went from laughing and dancing to despair in one trip to the bathroom. Some of my favorite ladies came over for belly dance practice, but after my bathroom break and finding evidence of Aunt Flo, I couldn’t smile anymore.

It wasn’t much. Just enough to scare me. And this morning, she was gone. So fingers crossed for implantation bleeding and not cycle day one.  Also, do not Google images of implantation bleeding. Just trust me.

Now is the time when the It Will Happen Experiment is most important. As I laid down to sleep, my husband consoling me and telling me that worrying and fretting would do me no good, I remembered my promise to myself. That I would let go of the final form this journey to parenthood would take.

Maybe it is cycle day one. Maybe this is another cycle starting. And if it is….. that’s OK. I may grit my teeth as I say that to myself. But it’s true. If this cycle isn’t the one.  If the next cycle isn’t the one. If I never get a sticky egg. If adoption is our next recourse….. that’s OK. Because one way or another, It Will Happen.

Yesterday afternoon, before my encounter with the ambiguous bleeding, my hubby and I signed up for The Walk of Hope. RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association holds the walk every year in three locations. We are fortunate enough to live close enough to the Washington DC location to participate. If you’re interested in supporting Team Hungry For Motherhood, please click here.

The purpose of the Walk of Hope is to garner funds to help raise awareness of infertility. RESOLVE is the only established nationwide network mandated to promote reproductive health and to ensure equal access to all family building options for men and women experiencing infertility or other reproductive disorders. 85 cents of every dollar donated to RESOLVE goes back into RESOLVE program and services.

The website has an FAQ that describes the kind of people who should do the walk.

• Those still on their family building journey.
• Anyone who has resolved their infertility.
• Family, friends, and anyone who cares about someone with infertility.

My husband and I are still on our family building journey. And who knows how much longer that will last for us. So we’re going to walk. And we’re going to continue the It Will Happen Experiment. Fingers crossed. Positive thinking intact.

This song keeps coming to me when I’m driving to and from work. It’s sweet and sad- just like my own journey.

It’s very real and true and sad
And hopeful just like me
It’s one of those I’ll never tell
I’ll carve it in a tree