I had a dream two nights ago in which I summoned the forces of nature to help with some landscaping. It was a bit of overkill. I mean a tsunami just to level out a yard? Come on Kristin-brain. But last night was even worse. I dreamt that I was an over-extended high schooler tasked by the principal to make all natural, organic cheese to sell to my fellow students between classes. I woke up with my jaw aching from my clenched teeth.
What I’m trying to say is that being back to full time TTC has really done a number on my nerves. The emotional ups and downs induced by the Femara are quite enough. But on cycle day 10 I went in for my first ultrasound to find out that I had THREE viable follicles on my ovaries. I was ecstatic! I think three follicles are the most I’ve ever made at a go. At about 12 mm for the two largest, predicting that they would grow 2 mm per day, the doctor estimated that we would ovulate by this weekend.
Excitedly, I took my first ovulation tests on cycle day 11, only to hear The Price is Right loser horn in my head upon reading the test. But no matter, it was early yet. Took another test today, cycle day 12, expecting to at least see a faint second pink line indicating that my LH surge was beginning and ovulation was on its way. But like the static of a TV set to a channel that isn’t available, only a stubborn whiteness stared back at me. As my blood pressure rose I could hear the white noise fill my ears.
I go in for another ultrasound on cycle day 13, tomorrow. They will find out if my follicles are ready to make their appearance. I am feeling pretty down thinking that they will not have grown the expected 2 mm a day. If that’s the case, they’ll send me to the lab for blood work to prove what I already know; I am not having an LH surge.
I want to scream and rail and cry. But at what? Or who?
So instead I re-read my It Will Happen Experiment original post. And I’m remembering these sentences in particular.
And I’ve already done my time being angry
and sad over [being infertile.]
I’ve already finished being
disrespectful of my body,
calling it names and cursing myself.
I need to let go of that pain and start over.
I’m reminding myself that thinking of this nature is regression for me. I’ve already done this. This stage of the process is in my past. And so I need to get back to the positive.
Yes, it isn’t going perfectly. But I knew that when I started. I can’t let myself sink into that mental head space again. I have to keep moving forward. This challenge is just another part of the process. All I care about is the end result.
It may still be awhile yet before I get there, but I will get there. So let it go, Kristin. Let it go. It Will Happen.
“Don’t let the walls cave in on you. We can’t go on, go on without you.”