We’ve taken our break from the ups and downs of TTC (trying to conceive.)  Took time off for the holidays and to let winter pass- the hibernation season when nothing grows.  So yesterday, on a rainy spring day in the city, I went back to the reproductive endocrinologist.

I’ve been working up to this moment for months.  Trying to mentally prepare myself for the onslaught of meds, injections, blood work, probings, etc.  Being told my body is faulty.  Doctors speaking at me instead of to me.  Feeling like a medical experiment.  I know, I sound super negative, but I’m just trying to be realistic.

At least this time I’m going in forewarned.  And forewarned is forearmed.   When we did our last cycle with Femara in November 2012, we had finally gotten the dosage right.  I wasn’t having any of the side effects that I had with Clomid.  The doctor felt that we were on the right track.  But I needed a break.  My husband needed a break.  I had to go lick my wounds for a while.

So this time, we already have the preliminaries sorted out.   And, in theory, that means we can start right where we left off.  But I have trepidations.   Of course I do!  I’m only human.  And this is one of those situations in which you’d be crazy not to have some serious emotional baggage attached to it.

The plan is to do two cycles with Femara.  And then the doctor wants us to consider IUI (intrauterine insemination) again.  IUI is partially covered by insurance, but there will still be a chunk of change that has to come from our pockets.  And this is where we start to wonder, should we be pursuing this avenue?  If we have to spend more money to conceive, should we not put that money toward adoption?

Last go round at the conception rodeo, I elected to not have genetic testing done.  I was in a very, “if our child comes to us with a condition or disorder, that that is how it should be,” head space.  Who was I to challenge what the universe had in store for me?  Better to not know the risks.  But this time, after lengthy consideration and examination of my feelings, I elected to have the genetic testing done.  If the results come back that I am a carrier for any of the genetic traits that could influence a baby’s health, my husband will then be tested.  And if he is a carrier too, that rather decides our path for us.

Of course, I would love my child even if he or she were sick in some way.  But if we’re going through all of this trouble, and there are so many kids in the world who need a loving home, and the child we produce together would have to face genetic challenges, why not become adoptive parents?  The money we would spend on IUI could then be put toward the lengthy, expensive adoption process.  And there’s a chance that IUI or eventually IVF (in vitro fertilization) would not result in a pregnancy anyway.

Thankfully, I am happy to be a mother however that comes to pass now. I’m not hung up on my body’s lack of cooperation and know that the ultimate pay off is being a parent.  However, that doesn’t mean I am giving up on becoming pregnant.  It’s taken time to get here, but I’m less “woe is me” and more “it will happen.”  I have ordered more ovulation test kits, and I am looking forward to the process.

This is a video that always makes me smile and has tons of imagery I enjoy.  I like to think of it as my own brand of baby dust.  You’ll see why about 20 seconds in.  Please wish me luck and send me good vibes.  I’ll take all the good will I can garner.

Because I’m back in the saddle again, you can expect a few upcoming posts on what I’m using in my It Will Happen experiment.  These will include reviews of guided imagery CDs, meditation techniques, and anything else I find helpful.  Maybe they will help you too.  😀