I absolutely long for a positive test tomorrow.  I’m waiting until day 30 to actually take the pregnancy test.

And of course I’m hopeful, as I am for every cycle.  I tried very hard this cycle to envision a future in which I do not have a child.  And I’ve thought about what other things I would pursue instead.  My writing, belly dance, increase my workouts and really diet to lose significant weight, possibly even a career change.  And all of those things are worthy, healthy goals.  And yet, I feel as though if this test is negative that all of those new goals would just be marking time.

One of the reasons I have a lot of hope pinned to this test is because we’ve decided to take a break after this cycle.  It’s been 15 long months of up and down emotions.  We’ve been on a perpetual 28 day roller coaster that slows to a crawl but just picks up speed  again.  And these last three months have been at terminal velocity with the fertility drugs.  If this cycle is negative, the next step would be very expensive IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) and IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) procedures.  And we’re not even sure if we want to go in that direction.

But adoption is probably an even more costly option.  I know we could foster children, but the thought that the child would only be with us temporarily is heartbreaking.  We would fall in love with him or her and then the child would be adopted away from us.  Or reclaimed by a biological parent.  And we would be left with an empty home again.  My heart is not a revolving door.  It is not strong enough.  I am not strong enough.

I have tried to talk with my husband about how long of a break we would take from TTC.  He does not know or will not say.  And it’s not as if I can do that on my own.  It takes two to tango.  He’s just as tired of it all as I am.  But unlike me, he can envision a future childless.  He is fine with the thought of it either way.  If we have no children, we would just funnel any expendable income (what there is of it) into traveling the world.  But for me, I think I would just feel empty even if I traveled the world, published a book, became a figure model, or took a job that involved some level of recognition.  For me, this will always be the one thing I never accomplished.

In high school, I had to take an elective.  I honestly already had all the credits I needed to graduate, but they don’t just let you graduate high school early.  So I needed to fill time.  And I took an art class. I thought it would be an easy A.  What’s so difficult about drawing or painting?

Actually, it turned out to be one of the most difficult classes I ever took in high school.  I just didn’t ‘get it.’  “Draw the shapes, not the picture,” the teacher would say.  I have never been able to take a picture apart and only draw the components.  For me it’s either the whole picture or nothing.  I completed every assignment, but I think I only got a ‘B.’  Because I didn’t understand.  And it’s hard to explain something as subjective as art.  It didn’t hurt that I have no particular talent or inclination for it.

That art class taught me to appreciate that ability in others.  And to enjoy particular pieces of art work.  And it taught me about myself and the way my mind works.  But it did not teach me to draw or paint.  It is, to this day, the one thing I just did not ‘get’ in school.  And this pregnancy thing is turning out to be the same thing.  It’s the one damn thing I cannot achieve.

I did everything else right.  Got an education.  Married a wonderful man (who actually is an artist I might add- even though I can’t do it, I managed to align myself with someone who can.) I started a career.  I bought a house.  And now I want a baby.  But that part just won’t happen despite my best efforts.  And if we do not start trying again after this break, I don’t know what I will do.  It will be like that art class.  I will always feel angry that I didn’t understand.  That I missed out on something.

I hosted a party that has become one of my coping mechanisms during TTC.  I call it a Pie-n-Tea party.  It’s a replacement for a pity party.  Anyway, one of my friends is 6 months pregnant.  And it was a surprise.  She was in love with the father of the baby, so it was not an issue for them to marry.  But for her, the pieces fell in the wrong order.  She had just started a career as a massage therapist, just started dating a wonderful man, and they had only just begun to discuss moving in together when BOOM she was pregnant.

And yes, I’m so jealous.  But that’s not the point.

The point is, that she wanted to put things in the same order I have.  Career, Marriage, House, Baby.  And yet her’s went Career, Boyfriend, Baby, Marriage and still working on the house.  But she wouldn’t have it any other way.

Sometimes the best laid plans yield nothing.  And sometimes there are no plans, and you end up with exactly what you wanted even if you didn’t know it.

And even as I’m kvetching about my lack of ability to create a baby, my niece is making funeral preparations for her twin boy who passed earlier this week.  She can still hold, and soothe, his twin brother- but she has to bury the other.  And it’s not fair.  It’s not fair that she lost her first husband in battle.  It’s not fair that she had to bury him, and he was not able to be the father of her child.  And yet she was able to find another good man.  But it’s not fair that she would lose one of his children.  It’s not fair that she could not carry them to full term.  It’s not fair at all.

So tomorrow I take that pregnancy test.  And I will either be elated or crushed.  I know I need to take a break for a while.  My mind is scrambled from hormones.  I need to recollect myself.  Try to become the Kristin my husband remembers.  Because I haven’t been that woman in quite some time.  And honestly, I’m just so  tired.